The knowledge of death came to me that night….I went into the inner death and saw that outer dying is better than inner death. And I decided to die outside and live within….I turned away and sought the place of the inner life! —C.G. Jung, The Red Book
In mid-January, after being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I spent five days in the hospital. At the time I was on narcotic pain medication, so I’m not sure if this was a dream or a vision. It doesn’t matter—it was as real as anything I’ve ever experienced when awake. My first night home as soon as I lay down in my bed to sleep, I saw a burnt, demonic creature rush into my chest cavity and lodge itself there in my body. I felt that it was either my death or a manifestation of the disease itself.
I did not even feel fear. Not one second passed. Immediately I called out to my ancestors and to God. Within a split second the great goddess Isis appeared to me and told me what to do. She gave me a musical tone to sing. I sang it over and over and the black demon was pushed right out of my body. Isis immediately stood in front of me and covered me with an impenetrable shield of protection.
I knew I was safe. I had no doubt, no horror, no fear. I did not have to go and wake up my sister who was sleeping in the next room and ask her for comfort and reassurance. I simply fell into a peaceful sleep.
However, I do not know what would have happened to me if I had not “known what to do,” if I had not called out for Divine help. Afterward, I realized that the ability to push this evil presence from my body with the help of the Goddess was the result of years of spiritual practice and the building of relationships with healing masters, angels, and my ancestors. Help came when I called. I felt so much gratitude. This is truly one of the most powerful and astonishing experiences I’ve ever had.
I believe that this was the moment when the cancer lost its grip on my body. From that moment on, the cancer was toast. My healing was already a done deal. It was inevitable that, after this experience, the cancer would gradually be pushed from my body and that I would enter into full remission.
As Jung writes above, I made a choice between actual physical death and instead am taking the journey of metaphorical death. I am dying to everything in my life that does not serve me: self doubt, fear, lack of belief in my own creative gifts, living without a life partner because I am afraid of love, living too small when I should be stretching to find my limits—and transcending them.
Years ago, even though at the time I did not believe in such things, a palm reader read my hand. She told me that my lifeline was very long, but that it broke and then continued. “You will reincarnate within this lifetime,” she said, “a very unusual experience.” I have been thinking about that lately because, like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I am day by day coming back to life.